oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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