i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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