I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
