Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
