Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
