Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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