Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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