I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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