And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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