Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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