dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
