Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my being single is dangerous.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
