I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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