Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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