i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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