so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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