I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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