you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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