this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You dont lie about slip and slides
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
