You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
