peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
