Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
