We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
