I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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