take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
