I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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