we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
