Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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