plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
