I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
