I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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