My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
