does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
