I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
