so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
