I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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