between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
