I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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