the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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