Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
