Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
