i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
