The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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