I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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