nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
