I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
