I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
