There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
im holly from the hills drunk
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
