Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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