I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
