now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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