I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
