member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
