More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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