the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
